trauma to the kids and they will have a hard time living a normal life.  So why do these parents still have their children?  In the eyes of CPS this is only minor abuse.  Minor…how can you call this minor…and who gets to decide how much is too much???  The case workers will get to determine this, however, if they have cases with higher priority those kids will get dealt with first.  What could be higher priority than this you ask?  How about a 10 year old male being forced to sexually abuse his 8 year old sister with a vacuum cleaner hose?  Yes this has happened and is just one example of how bad things really are in our country.  This leads to the second reason nothing is being done.  There is a shortage of Foster Homes.  This fact alone is one of the major reasons the case workers have to prioritize their caseloads and why this is minor in their eyes.  Many kids are experiencing much worse.  They remain in their homes because there is no place for them to go.  What will probably happen in this case is CPS will open a case.  The parents will go to some counseling and make things “look” good.  Case closed, kids still getting abused.  However, when these kids get to the age of about 12 and start acting out and getting violent it will be too much for the parents to handle so they will ask for help, or maybe the kids will get into trouble with the law and do something so bad they will be removed from the home.  Either way, at this point, the child will most likely go into Foster Care.  Not because they are bad kids but because they have been exposed to trauma their whole lives and have had no counseling and no help.  They don’t know what else to do so it just happens.  By this time they are so emotionally disturbed that it doesn’t matter how much love they are given, or how much 

counseling they go through they will never be “normal” functioning kids or even adults for that matter.  They are no longer “cute and desired” so they will never get adopted out of foster care.  They will  “age out” and be left to fend for themselves.  They will have children of their own and the whole cycle will start again.  Our system really needs to intervene when these kids are young and can be molded into amazing well-producing members of society.  We need to break this cycle.  So what can you do?  It’s easy…open your home to these amazing kids and become foster parents!  Easy I say!  No it isn’t all rainbows and butterflies but it is very rewarding.  There are too many kids in need right now and not enough homes.  I know the agency my husband and I do foster care for are currently turning away 50% of the referrals they are getting.  Part of the reason there are so few foster homes is because there are so many misconceptions about Foster Care: my house is too small, the kids have committed a crime to get into foster care, they will teach my kids bad things, I’m single-I can’t do it, they don’t let same sex couples do this type of thing, I’m too old/young.  I strongly encourage you to check with an agency and apply!  If there is something you need to do to become certified they will tell you and work with you.  They want you to succeed.  There are different types of agencies and you have to find the one that works the best for you.  There are public agencies such as the county you live in and private companies such as the one we do foster care for.  I personally recommend a private agency, only because you as a foster parent, get more support than a public agency due to resources; however, every agency is different and can vary greatly from county to county and state to state.  Also it is so easy to make excuses as to why not start today, the same excuses people make when they are thinking about starting their own families.  These excuses can be things like: I don’t have enough time, you will make time.  I don’t have enough money, you will get a monthly stipend that covers the living expenses for the child.  I will wait until my kids are older…that’s a good thought but these kids need you now!  I know, I know-now might not really be the right time for you or your family but when is it ever the right time for anything?  If it truly isn’t the right time now when it is please don’t push this off.  To be able to help a child be the best they can be really does wonders for everyone involved!  Also if you don’t think you can make a full time commitment I encourage you to start with respite care.  For those of you who are not familiar with this term it basically means you give other foster homes or maybe even birthparents a break for a few days.  This normally happens on the weekend and it’s a good way to experience foster care without a full time commitment.  If you have any questions about the process or my experience I would be more than happy to answer them publicly in the comments or privately, just send me an email on the contact me page!    

I have included a few links that might interest you.  The first one is a link to the video that inspired me to write this, the second is a link to a series of books that are very easy reads yet very inspiring, and the last is a real recording from a 911 call from a little girl, very haunting to hear.  The 911 call happened in 1991 and the little girl did survive, however, the kids didn’t get removed from the home and Lisa ended up in an abusive relationship herself.  The fourth is a short movie about a girl removed from her home.  You may have to copy and paste the links to view them as I have yet to figure out how to hyperlink them in my blog post…sorry!  I’m working on that...so it might work to click!    

 

http://www.amazon.com/Child-Called-It-Courage-Survive/dp/1558743669

Why I Care

Jaylin and Pixie My daughter has been diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder, ADD, and Anxiety.  Most of you know about ADD and Anxiety so I am not going to talk about that, but a lot of people don’t know much about Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD).    

What Is It? 

In easy to understand words SPD is a neurological disorder where the brain over re-acts to certain input from the senses.  For example, when my daughter gets dressed her clothes may feel like 50 grit sandpaper on her skin or it may feel like a million ants crawling all over her body.  When she drinks pop it feels like a ton of tiny firecrackers exploding in her mouth (this one I am ok with because I don't want her drinking pop).  When she goes to a store or a restaurant her brain can’t block out all the small noises that a typical brain can so it is very noisy in her head.  She can smell things that I can’t.  For example if we are in the car and there is a skunk a mile up the road she asks me what the horrible smell is.  I tell her nothing but for her it is clearly not nothing and soon I can smell it too.  This example doesn’t seem like it matters but by the time I can actually smell it, the scent is overwhelming for her.     

How This Effects Our Life

How doesn’t it would be the better question?  From the time she wakes up in the morning until the time she goes to bed I feel as though I am walking on eggshells.  I never know what is going to set her off.  As time goes by and we become more educated on this subject we have learned more about her triggers and can try to either avoid them or prepare her for what’s going to happen so she’s not blind-sided with it.  We have also enlisted the help of professionals.  We go to a counselor, developmental pediatrician, and an occupational therapist.  They give us support and ideas of things we can do to help her. 

A “Normal” Day in Our Home

Jaylin wore this dress almost everyday as long as it fit her! It is Saturday morning and Jaylin has been excited all week to go to the movies today.  She wakes up happy and excited.  She talks about going to the movie, getting popcorn, and a snack.  She eats breakfast which today consists of oatmeal.  Not just any oatmeal, Daddy’s Oatmeal.  What is Daddy’s Oatmeal you ask?  It is a careful combination of plain oatmeal, brown sugar, maple syrup, and cinnamon.  If this oatmeal is too dark, too light, too thick, or too watery it will not be eaten.  Not only will it not be eaten, it will send her into a fit which will include her running to her room, crying, tearing all the bedding off the bed and thrown into the hall, ripping all the books off her shelf and taking everything off the walls and onto the floor.  But today we are lucky because mom has become an expert at making the perfect oatmeal.  Sigh…first catastrophe of the day avoided.  Jaylin is encouraged to play, climb, and bounce while the rest of the family is getting ready.  Our therapist has educated us on the benefits of large muscle input and how this can help control sensory input and makes it less invasive.  Yes she jumps on her bed and yes she is allowed to climb up the railing on the stairs, not because I can’t enforce rules but because I want her to get the input she needs.  Now it’s the time of the day we all dread.  It’s time for Jaylin to get dressed.  No matter how much we prep her, no matter how many times I tell her 20 minutes, 10 minutes, 5 minutes, no matter how much input she has had, it’s still going to be bad.  How bad is the question?  First, the underwear, which she explains to me as squeezing her.  We get those on and she starts kicking and screaming.  I wrap her tightly in her blanket and bounce and swing her until she settles down.  Next the pants, which mind you can’t be just any pants.  Don’t even think for a minute that I can just go to the store and buy my daughter cute little outfits and fun shoes…no, not even an option.  Mostly she wears soft pants which include fleece, cotton leggings, and yoga pants.  However, the fleece gets bally and so we can’t do those anymore.  Ok, so the pants are on now by following the same method as the undies.  Next, it’s time to put the shirt on.  The shirt must be long sleeved, soft cotton, plain-no prints on the front, no little pockets, no frills, no lace, no anything.  Try finding that in a store….when I do find things I buy multiple sizes which ends up back firing on me because if she has a bad experience with one of those shirts she won’t wear it again.  Then I am stuck with things in bigger sizes she will not wear.  Ok, the shirt is on now after more wrapping, bouncing, and swinging.  Goodness, we still have socks, shoes, and a jacket.   Jaylin in PJ's at the Ice Cream shop...do I care...no! By this point I am physically exhausted and depending on my patience level for the day sometimes emotionally exhausted too.  Most days we leave the house at this point and carry the jacket, shoes, and socks.  And no I don’t need anyone to tell me that it is negative 20 out, I am aware!  My car is warm and she isn’t in danger.  Now it’s time to ride in a car where she needs to have a seatbelt on.  On a good day the seatbelt isn’t too bad but on a bad day she explains the seatbelt feels like it is strangling her.  So a 20 minute car ride to town turns into an hour of stopping to wait for her to be able to get the belt back on.  Anytime we can have a quiet car ride and not one filled with kicking, screaming, and pounding on the back of my seat is amazing…ahh the little things in life!  To have gotten this far is also considered a good day.  I can’t even tell you how many times I have no fight in me to do this and I just stay home with Jaylin while my husband brings our other daughter to do whatever it was we were going to do, or we just all stay home.  So we get to the theater and now she has to put on socks and shoes.  She can’t, she just can’t.  She is trying, they go on and off, and on, and off, and thrown in the front.  Finally it’s time to go in or we will miss the movie.  The rest of us head in and she works up the courage to put them on, leave them on, and come in with us.  Once she is in the theater she stops crying instantly-she’s smart-she knows people will look at her and know something is wrong if she is crying and she doesn’t want anyone to think anything is wrong or different with her.  So we go the movie and she loves it.  It seems as though she is in a better mood so we decide to go out for lunch.  We pick somewhere new to try and she isn’t happy about it.  On the chance that she said it was ok to go to a restaurant I have to drill the waitress about what the food looks like.  Are your chicken nuggets nuggets or tenders?  Are the fries “normal” plain fries or do they have seasoning on them.  The waitress looks at me like I am insane.  We go ahead order the food and when it comes it doesn’t look right so she doesn’t eat it.  This frustrates her because she is hungry and she wants to eat but she just can’t.  So we go to the car and she lets it all out.  This includes crying, kicking, getting out of her seatbelt, and much more.  It makes for a long ride home for everyone. 

As you can see every day is a struggle for her, for me, for my husband, and for the other kids living in our home.  We have all developed a level of patience that I can’t even put into words as well as coping strategies.  It becomes very hard when others don’t understand what we are going through and people tell us she is just being difficult and she is “playing” us.  Really, how do you explain when she cries and tells me, “Mom, I am trying too hard, I just can’t do it.”  When I asked what she was talking about and she responded with this, “Putting clothes on…I try so hard and I just can’t do it.”  It kills me that something so simple can be such a struggle for her.  She doesn’t want to leave the house to do fun things because she has to get dressed.  Getting dressed causes her a lot of stress due to the above reasons.  This leads to anxiety.  This has created a viscous cycle.  A cycle we are trying hard to break. 

Getting her to school every day was a struggle.  She hated going and it was getting harder and harder to send her.  She fought us every step of the way.  When we could get her there she wasn’t learning well either.  This didn’t make sense because she is a smart kid.  When she wasn’t able to count and identify letters like she should be I started to think she had a learning disability.  I read an article about kids with SPD being so consumed just trying to get through the day with all the sensory input they couldn’t pay attention to what was being taught.  We made the hard decision to pull her out of school and try virtual school.  I was so nervous about doing this but I am so happy we did.  She has learned so much and is now even if not ahead of where she should be academically.  What is even better is she enjoys learning! 

I sometimes cry when I think about wanting her to have a “normal” life.  She is scared to death to ride a bike without training wheels.  Kids with SPD have perception issues too.  Specialists call this the sixth sense.  When she tries to ride a bike, if there is a tree 20 feet away, she will freak out and she truly believes she is going to run into that tree.  She can’t be on a T-Ball team because she isn't able to wear the glove or the T-Shirt like everyone else.  She can’t go bowling because the shoes feel weird.  It’s hard for her to wear a bathing suit because of how it feels.  Some days she can’t go out to play because she can’t get her winter gear on.  She can’t wear the cute clothes she wants to, so going shopping isn’t fun for her.  She can’t get her hair done because just brushing her hair is pure torture.      

Embrace Their Strengths

Jaylin is such a spirited young lady! Although many days go as described above we also have our share of AWESOME days. Jaylin is a fun-loving, caring, energetic, funny girl.  She loves animals and camping. She is a caretaker whom will do anything to make anyone feel better.  She loves playing with her cousins and being outside.  When we have these good days we take advantage of them.  Sometimes she will even try a new food!!!  If you and your family are struggling with issues like this I urge you to stay strong and plug along even if you feel like you must give up.  I believe that there will be a day when my daughter will be able to ride her bike, play sports, and enjoy a shopping trip with me!  To those of you who are a close family member wondering what you can do to help, just listen.  Believe that even if you don't see these behaviors, they are happening.  Support the child's parents with empathy and laughter.  

I Dislike When People Judge

Back to the main reason that inspired me to write about this.  I used to be so guilty of judging others.  If I was out in public and I saw someone with kids in PJ’s or unruly hair I used to think to myself; Come on, take a few minutes to make your kids look presentable.  If adults were out and looked not put together I said to myself, "Do you even own a mirror?".  Looking back I am embarrassed at the amount of judgment I passed onto others.  However, now I get it!  I guess wisdom does come with age and experience.  There are probably parents out there that don’t do these things because they are lazy or maybe they just don’t care.  How do I know what is going on in their life?  How do I know if they are struggling with depression, anxiety, loss, domestic abuse, or a million other things?   I DON’T and for this reason I have tried to stop judging people.  I hope you will do the same!!!

Congrats to all you brides-to-be out there!  I am sure a lot of you just got engaged on Valentine’s Day!  Planning your big day is one of the most exciting times of your life!  It can be filled with joy, love, and endless hours of searches on Pinterest.  It can also be a little daunting!  I mean most of us are not pro-event planners, and you want the best of everything for the least amount of money right.  There are a ton of decisions to make such as venue, catering, DJ, cake, and that is just the start.  There are many resources out there to help with all the planning but I feel there is a lack of information on how to choose the right photographer.  I hope I can shed some light on this subject and help you choose the right person to capture every moment of your big day.

I really think there are 4 main things to consider when choosing a wedding photographer.  I will touch on each one and give you a brief explanation of what I mean in terminology that everyone can understand!

The first thing you should consider is the photographers experience.  A wedding photographer should be able to show you some of their previous work, by this I don’t mean a few snapshots.  They should be able to show you an entire wedding album that they have done.  While you are looking at these photos you should be thinking about how the photos make you feel and if they capture what you are looking for.  Some people only want formal shots, others only want candid shots, but most brides want a combination of those two things.  Do the photos make you smile, make you feel like you were there?  If so you can move onto the next step, if not just move on to a different photographer.  In most cases you can do this part by looking at a website or Facebook Page, but not all photographers post their work on these mediums so you may have to talk to and meet them to review their work. 

The second thing you should do is ask a photographer for references.  Maybe their photos are amazing, but you also want to know what they were like to work with.  Were they friendly to everyone, did they listen to you as the customer, did they deliver when they said they would?  I have heard stories of people having to wait more than six months for their wedding photos or worse yet, never even getting them.  In this digital age of photography there should be no reason the bride and groom can’t view their UNEDITED photos in a private gallery within 2 weeks of the wedding date.  I also think the photographer should be able to have a few edited images in that time frame to provide a sneak peek for the wedding party/guests as they too are excited to see the photos.  After the bride and groom have chosen their photos they want edited I would say it should take no longer than 4 weeks (at most) to get their photos back complete. 

The third thing you should consider is the photographer’s equipment.  This is a little more difficult for the average person to understand as there is so much technical stuff to consider.  Basically what I would ask or want to know is do you have back up equipment?  By this I mean how many cameras do you bring, how many lenses do you bring, do you have lighting, back up batteries?  I would recommend not choosing a photographer that only has one camera, what if it is not operating correctly on your big day???  Another thing you can ask about their camera(s) is do they shoot with a full frame or crop frame camera.  If they don’t know the answer to this question they are probably shooting cropped.  What this means to you as a bride is they will have trouble taking the large group photos.  They will need to be far back and it may be hard to see faces/details in your final images.  What you want, as a bride, is for them to say full framed.  This type of camera captures more with being closer.  On a side note if they are using a full frame camera you know they are the real deal and not just a hobbyist as these cameras have a starting price tag of $2000.  As far as lenses go there are hundreds of options and each photographer has their favorites but if you want to get technical some good choices would be the nifty-50.  Basically it is an amazing choice for 1-2 people in the image and the detail shots such as the rings and the flowers.  They should also have another large zoom lens.  Everyone debates what is best for this use and honestly the photographer needs to use what they feel will make the best shots but if they say something along the lines of a 70-200 or anything similar to that it will get the job done.  This allows for the big group shots as well as close intimate shots during the ceremony when the photographer can’t be up close and personal!       

The final thing to consider is pricing/packages.  Now there is a huge debate about this topic and I could talk about it forever!  Let’s talk packages first.  What do you get vs what you want?  You have to determine if you want to make your prints yourself or if you want the photographer to do this for you.  Usually photographers offer 1 of 3 options.  The first is when the photographer owns the images and anytime you want to order photos you have to ask them to do it for you and pay for those prints.  The second is when the photographer will give you a right to reprint.  The photographer still owns the images but they are allowing you to print the images where you want, when you want, how you want.  Some photographers also offer a copyright release.  This topic is much debated and there is so much confusion about who actually owns the photos that I am not going to get into it here.  Most people these days want to be able to make their own prints if this is the case you need to make sure you will be allowed the right to re-print.  After you determine how you will get your images you need to decide if they offer a package to capture what you want at a price you feel comfortable paying.  Some photographers feel the need to charge $3000 plus for weddings.  I am not saying they are not worth the investment and if you have an endless supply of money by all means, go for it!  What I am saying is don’t go into more debt than you need to for your wedding.  Yes you want to capture this day for the rest of your life but you also want to live the rest of your life without paying for those photos.  There are some who feel the photos aren’t that important and that is fine!  If all your looking for is a family friend to shoot some pics that you’re going to put in an album to look at now and then this is a great option for you.  As a general rule of thumb price shouldn’t matter as long as you can afford it and the photographer fits your needs!  If they are experienced, have good references/equipment, and offer a package that meets your needs pay what you feel comfortable paying!  Whether this be $500 or $5000!

This year I vowed to do what is right.  By this statement I don’t mean things like following the rules, I already do that!  What I mean by this resolution is to stick up for and support myself and others.  Have you ever watched the TV show What Would You Do?  How many times have you been someplace where you witnessed something that wasn’t ok but you didn’t say anything?  It has happened to me a few times and it always sticks with me that I never said anything.  I never stuck up for a person who maybe needed a little support at the time.  I didn’t stop when that person was broke down on the side of the road.  Instead I just pretended I didn’t see it or made excuses as to why not to help.  In my head it sounded something like this, “I shouldn’t stop, I don’t know anything about vehicles, its not safe, maybe they are a serial killer pretending to be broke down.”  What about that mom screaming at her kids in the store?  Here is what that sounds like in my head, “I shouldn’t say anything it’s not my business, she will probably beat me up or something.”  What I should have been saying is something like this, “I should stop, even though I know nothing about vehicles maybe I can keep them company until they get help.  Maybe I should ask that mom screaming at her child in the store if she wanted me to entertain her kid for 10 minutes so she can shop in peace.”  Now I know what you’re all thinking; people will think you’re crazy!  Will they?  Or will they be thankful, that someone actually cared?   I guess I am willing to take that chance from here on out, what do I have to lose?

So what does this have to do with photography you ask?

Photographers can be downright mean to each other.  Always judging others work and bashing each other to try and get more jobs.  It is a brutal business where newcomers feel they will be ridiculed if they don’t know everything that someone who has been doing this for many years knows.   A colleague of mine recently made a statement about how he makes it a point to not talk bad about other photographers.  He said we should support not negate each other.   

As professional photographers we feel this pressure to be the best, do the best, and have the best.  It is a very competitive business and the market is saturated with photographers.  This causes us to be unsupportive of each other.  It causes us to look at others photos and say bad things, even if it is just to ourselves.  This type of negativity is toxic.  We need to stop being at war with each other and instead support and encourage each other.   

I would love to have a community where both seasoned and rookie photographers can come together in a safe environment and share things about photography.    

Things such as:

Lighting:  Speed lights, Studio lights, Natural light

Cameras: Do you really know what every button and setting on your camera does?

Lenses:  What lens should I add to my collection, do you only buy prime, what does that even mean?

Editing:  Do I really need Photoshop, how do you use it anyway, are there better options?

Studios:  Do you have one, would you ever let another photographer rent yours, where do you get backgrounds/props, and do you want to borrow something?

Pricing:  Do I charge too much, too little, do you give all your photos on a CD or do you make prints?

Prints:  Where do you order from?

Legality:  Do you use contracts; do you have people sign a release to put them on Facebook?

These are just a few things that we have to worry about day in and day out.  I would love to have someone who I could ask all of these and so much more.  Collectively we have a wealth of knowledge, let’s unite and be what we set out to be.  We all do this because we have one thing in common; the desire to capture beauty and memories for years to come and to provide those images for people to enjoy.  Remember beauty is in the eye of the beholder and what one considers a great pic doesn’t mean everyone does nor do they have to because its art and everyone likes art differently.   

So What is the Solution?

I am creating a Facebook Group where I invite anyone who has an interest in photography to join.  There is only ONE rule, you must be supportive.  This doesn’t mean you have to lie to be nice.  It means you can give honest feedback.  If you hate a photo tell the photographer what is good or what you like but then offer your expertise about how the photographer can improve their next set of photos.  Photographers BE PREPARED to receive honest feedback and don’t get your feelings hurt over what someone has said.  Take their criticism as helpful advice on how to improve your craft. 

If I get enough interest I would love to set up local meetings throughout the year where photographers of all levels can talk about the topics above, help each other out, and go on photo walks.  How much is enough interest…I will be happy and consider this a success if at least one other photographer joins me on this positive journey.